Separation Phase

New year resolution haritu is to start fresh living without you in my life. It was sudden decision, but yeah. I did it anyway. Me being me, macam biasa, I'll ask around to my girlfriends for their opinion which they agree on.

I'm keeping this here maybe, just maybe one day you want to look back and laugh or maybe one day you lose your memory, maybe this could help you out. lol.

The separation was real. Really hard for me. I was struggling and I kept it cool for the next 5 months. It was difficult for me because all I did remind me of you. I usually share everything with you. You understand me. You will listen to all my rant and stories and it will go on for hours. I guess we had too much in common. I felt that I understand you. No one around me understands what I really go thru. ( but I don't go thru anything. HAHAA)

3 months on the road I was doing fine. I went to work and do stuff as normal. I felt that I'm doing fine, and girl I was wrong, on the 4th month during quarantine I was doing fine wasting my time all of the sudden you kept appearing in my mind space. I was so confuse and mad at the same time.

On the 5th month you send me something, the moment I hear your name, I broke into tears. I have no idea why and it wasn't sad or wasn't happy either. It was a sudden rush of unexplained tears came rushing thru.

Then I had a conversation with my friend, she mentioned that did I feel good when I made the decision at the early of the year? I said no. I did not feel good doing that but I force myself to feel okay.

I get frustrated as people around me don't really understand the situation and even they say they understand, I don't think they understand.

A friend of mine asked about "rindu", that wasn't it. So I gave up on explaining what ever this is. I know that one guy would understand what I'm saying, but I stopped asking to Him cause I kinda don't want the answer. Mannnn... why I'm so complicated.......????

I put this here because I don't think anyone around really understand the situation.

He must think I'm funny

Bila dah mintak dia petunjuk, dah bagi petunjuk bukan satu tapi banyak. Tapi still tak percaya dan tolak je petunjuk dia. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Kalau aku mesti dah tepuk dahi. dah cakap banyak kali tapi bebal.
tapi in my defense, dia mcm tak confirm. sooooo.. kenot!

Sorry lah.

My Dear Boy (我的男孩) Episode 11

Script that I like in the film;

新人類的變種的話，我希望最好能取消想念這種功能，對，取消想念，因為我覺得想念這種能力是沒有功能的，譬如你想跟一個東西講話，可是那個東西根本不會回應你啊，而且想念，反而會變成是一種負面能量，讓你很沒有精神，很沒有鬥志，愈想就會愈

覺得自己是個nothing。

對啊，因為你是nothing，所以你只要想念別人的義務，沒有被想念的權利。

因為你是nothing啊，被忽略被忘記，那都是理所當然，你把人家當好朋友，那是你自己自以為是，人家只是把你當路過，路過你懂嗎的？這是過了就過了，過了就算了，過了就沒了！
人家已經沒了你懂嗎？誰叫你是nothing，還是好好面對現實，接受承認吧，你就只是一個路過，什麼都不是，什麼都沒的nothing，什麼屁都不是！

I'm Sorry

I'm writing this for someone 6 years ago (around there). 

I'm sorry for being to childish and very immature of me.

I'm sorry for being a very ignorant human being to you.

I'm sorry for not understanding you more.

I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you. 

I don't really realised this when things happened to me. 

I realised that I've treated you badly. 

I'm sorry. I've asked for your apologies for another specific incident with you. I hope it won't open old wounds. but you became this gentle and very matured person. You've changed a lot and I do too. 

All these years, you still kinda keep in touch with me. 

you know what to say at the right time. :)

I hope everything would turn as you wanted. 

The right person will come to you. 

have patience (I'm writing this for me too!)

Thank you for being that person.

Warning to all readers.

I'm writing this after few years of abandonment... I'm back for awhile. Sayalah orang tu yang bila susah cari blog nih.

This is public post, kene be really careful while typing things out. 

This post is relating to my heart. 

Yup, at this time of this moment, I don't want to deny this, I realised that I do fell in love with a guy. Maybe kawan-kawan sekeliling boleh teka and tau on this issue. Issue ke(?). 

aaaaaannnndddddddd......

Oppsss.. I did it again. I confessed to that guy that I liked him. 

And history repeats itself, I've been rejected, kali ni punya gila kejam punya. Hopefully I don't do this to anyone.

The thing is I don't know to move on from this or not. Still contemplating whether to move on or not. I guess let the time decide. Tapi don't worry, I'm not crazy person yang terhegeh-hegeh dekat kau. I'll act cool like nothing happened and we are strangers again. Well, I'm the one yang ada very bad attitude problem, I accept that no one can cope with me sebab tu aku takde dengan sesiapa kan? Coz my attitude problem. Now it make sense. 

I do believe there is someone out there are meant for me. Just dia lambat sampai. Lambat benor kau nih.

For those heartbroken macam I, stay strong! we can do this! We can go through this! We are too awesome for that guy. He can't handle us because we are awesome! :)

Why I'm writing this? Cause I want old me to remember this. 

On the bright side, I learn more about myself and acknowledge and live up to my life policy that is, you only live once and do your best and not to regret it later. So, I've done my part because I've done all the necessary action that I could done so I don't regret later.

Keep Smiling and Continue and Repeat.

"aku tak letak kahwin sebagai matlamat hidup aku"

Read it without judgement. 

Ini bukan statement aku. and please set aside religious opinion to yourself. 

Statement itu dari lelaki yang muda dari aku 2 tahun. 

It came and struck to me pasal kahwin bila I was left alone to manage myself for ONE night. I was driving back home after dinner with my office mate. I was thinking, IF! If I'm still single for a very long time, I would feel lonely at some point where I do felt if at that time. 

It's not that I don't have any friends, I do, but they do have their life to live not just around me. 

It would be those days where I don't have anyone to listen to my stories, my day and those jokes I saw in the internet. 

It would be those days that I have to do thing alone like dining outside, movies and travel.

It would be those days that I'm super sad but no shoulder to cry on. 

It would be those days when I'm sick there's no one next to me. 

It would be those days that when there is no one to share with if you have a happy/exciting news. 

People around do get busy. 

There will be a constant waiting for the "One" to come by and you thought the one came by, it turns out it wasn't him.

So you could see how I view marriage kan? super typical and cheesy. I know that life is not always rainbow and sunshine, there will be storms and hurricane. I wanted choose to see only rainbow and sunshine and hope those rainbow and sunshine would help me get through the stormy days.

Orientation

Sebenarnya nampak post dekat Fb pasal kes ragging teruk gila... and ada comment pasal adik dia naik balik and quit sebab tak tahan. Teringat waktu masuk UiTM Segamat dulu. Orientation and awesome people around me help to be who I am today! :)

Al-kisahnya, saya ni jenis takde goal in life pun, tapi lepas dapat diploma in UiTM, tetiba jadi perempuan yang berjiwa kental eechcehehhh! hahahaa! Waktu seminggu orientasi, memang lah penat dan bosan. Tapi I guess sebab new environment, new beginning. Waktu orientasi, diaorg brainwash kata one of the best universiti, senang dapat kerja, bla.. bla.. blaa... tapi one thing yang I remembered that changed me.. dia kata tak semua orang boleh masuk sambung blaja, so kene grateful. lagi satu dia kata, You have a new beginning, you can be whoever you want!

Waktu orientasi dengan MPP, takde masalah. Orientasi dengan wing pun takde masalah, orientasi dengan kolej dan dengan course pun takde masalah.

Orientasi dengan wing tu paling awesome! kte dapat tingkat 3, akak2 senior ni jenis sangat lah friendly and baik. memang tak buli langsung, siap ajak makan sekali. borak-borak tak ingat dunia. bila tanya pasal blaja pun diaorg ajar. baik sangat. and one of the senior jadi kawan baik sampai sekarang, dia salah seorang yang mengubah saya ke arah yang lebih positive. 

Kolej dengan course pun dah tak ingat dah apa orientasi dia. tapi that moment, orientasi tu memang change my life and serve it's purpose. 

Agaknya I'm blessed :) 

Thank you so much for helping me along the way :)

Alhamdulillah :')

Embracing Your Flaws and Strength

It's been awhile since I'm writing again. 

Been busy, busy ke? hahahaa!

So I was eating lunch, I was watching the television and a Hindustan movie came up. Then I started to say, "Cantiknyaaaa Rani Mukherjee" and remembered how I'm jealous of my Indian colleague's eyelashes. Pergh! panjang! mata besar! melentik! 

Ada lagi seorang colleague dia features muka biasa je, tapi kaki dia cantik! means dia pakai kasut apa je pun sesuai. (eh! kenapa tetiba tulis BM nih?). 

There are some features of us that we wish it would be better. It gunanya make up! hahaha! Tapikan, God is fair! if Dia bagi something better, Dia akan bagi something that you need to improve. Ada kawan selalu kata, kesiannya tengok dia, ada orang buta dekat opis.. but the thing is,  I don't. Because he would have better thing than us. Maybe dia appreciate his lives more! maybe dia look everything more positive than us. Disable is not a flaw. It is a strength.

I have a deaf aunt, I love being with her! memang jarang jumpa dia. Tapi once jumpa even though she is deaf, I think she is super awesome! dia punya aura and positive-ness, I love being around her!

REPEAT AFTER ME!

"I'M PERFECT AS IT IS, I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY"